Expressions!!

Continued from http://intellectuallycaracass.blogspot.in/2013/04/him-1.html


41. She counted for the umpteenth time and deliberately avoided the other one. These counts have become almost second nature to her, for obvious reasons. They underline her insecurity, her impatience, her slowly waning hope and a slight approach of an impending doom. She felt a pang of frustration for falling into the same trap again, just yesterday she promised not to do it again. She hated these nights now, especially the weekend ones. Without the tiresome work sleep was a tough endeavor and the alternative was acutely excruciating. 

But she loved the night 41 days ago and why she shouldn’t. It was one of the most memorable events she would ever have in her life. She remembered being an apprehensive bride. She remembered peering into the mirror trying to convince her of the decision she took. She recollected all the arguments she made inside her tumultuous mind to justify her pursuit, her choice and her marriage. All these thoughts transferred her back to the day and she smiled. She thought of the many delightful incidents, the mishaps, her mischievous friends and her happy parents. She was almost able to trace the path her tears followed in the final moments of that day. She thought of her brother and his silly attempts to avoid watching her go. But most of all she remembered the long ride with him. 

She was sitting in the corner, teary eyed, peering out of the window to have those last glimpses of her crying mom, her sad dad and her weeping brother. Slowly they dissolved into the night and she felt all alone. Her eyes instinctively turned to him. She was searching for some reassurance from him, some gesture which would console her that she need not worry and that her life is going to be beautiful from that moment on.  But she was disappointed. Her ‘new’ life was not supposed to start like this. She looked at him intently hoping for him to turn and reveal his thoughts, but he was too occupied looking into the engulfing darkness. He was searching for something in the shadows and she was searching for something in him. Finally her patience paid off he looked at her and said,

“Don’t worry I am not that bad.”

Under the circumstances it was a good joke and she wanted to give a heartfelt smile, what kept her was the look in his eyes. She could see that they were sincere but there was no hint of the affection she was hoping to find in them. And those eyes have been exactly the same in these 41 days. She was reminded of the other count, 59, it was decreasing rapidly.

1:00 am.
She wanted to loiter with her thoughts but tomorrow was quite important, both professionally and personally, so she forced herself into a labored sleep. 

She got up still tired from the fragmented sleep she managed and searched for her mobile to find out the time. Carefully tucking it under her pillow, to avoid filling the darkened room with rays of light, she found out. 5:45am, almost. Her mother would have been proud and she was. Her transformation from a pampered kid to a responsible wife has been startling to say the least. Carefully she got up and looked at him. He was curled up as he normally was in his sleep. She smiled and that smile had a hint of pity for her, of all the people who chased her she had to fall for him. A moment of clarity followed and she continued with her pitiful smile, despite his indifference, it was clear to her that she actually loved him even if she was still not clear of the actual meaning of the word. She carefully covered him with his sheet and had that weird feeling that he was awake; she had that feeling the whole night. She knew something was peculiar last night for he was awfully quiet; her doubts were reaffirmed when he didn’t seem to enjoy his food, despite it being her best effort till date. He had given a more cheerful reception to her first burnt dish. A part of her wanted to confront him, seek answers she knew she deserved, but she refrained from letting her emotions get the better of her, at least not for another 58 days. She gave him one last languid, soulful look and went about her carefully orchestrated morning schedule. 

To be continued...