Expressions!!

The music was loud. The lights were dim. She slowly sipped her margarita, her 7^th today, but it was all right she was celebrating.  One more day and she won’t have to face him every day. Her friends dragged her to the dance floor, which was way too crowded for her to even move let alone dance, thankfully. Large quantities of alcohol always made her gloomy and today she had more reasons than alcohol to be gloomy. She contemplated her 8^th, she was already past her established bounds, but it was all right, after all she was ‘celebrating’, the irony of the word can’t be stressed enough.

“One large Margarita, Please”, she ordered repeating thrice before the bartender finally heard her and refilled.

One day more and he finally will be written off her life, at least that is what she had planned. Professionally it was a moment to cherish. She was getting an opportunity which most of her co-workers dreamt of , working in the real ‘Silicon Valley’ instead of its Indian off shoot, but her personal predicament belittled her achievement.  She was never the one to define her life predominantly by her profession, she always wanted be good at whatever she did but balance is what she always sought.

He was influencing her time-honored decision making criteria, he has came a long way from just being an immaterial class mate. The thought would have sounded absolutely bizarre to her 5 years ago. She could recall the exact word she used to describe it, “preposterous”. She remembered the cruel laugh she had back in college when one of her friend informed of his intentions about her, life has a vindictive way of getting back at you, she realized. She was contumelious back then. The idea of her being related with him was not something she would have allowed in a million years. She needed someone special which he was definitely not. She was not going to settle for someone so normal and mundane. He made feeble attempts to bring it to her notice and she remembered the arrogance with which she quashed them. After a while he stopped and at first she was relieved, later she couldn’t help feeling sorry for him.  College kept throwing him at her for the next 2 years though but now there were no frail attempts, they were replaced by a strong feeling of indifference, not that she cared but it did make her feel bad at times.

Years to follow changed her perception of him. Of course he was still normal and mundane but he was an extremely likable normal and mundane person. He hid his feelings well so she could never tell that how he actually felt, especially when he was around her, but she could swear she saw a glimmer of sadness in him then. What actually changed her perception of him she could never tell. Somewhere between those transitions from class mates to colleagues she realized that the idea that seemed “preposterous” was not preposterous at all, in fact she wanted him to start over again, for now she had an entirely different outcome waiting for him. She gave him all the hints she could but he never took any of them, maybe the initial rejection still had a scathing scar somewhere beneath, but she always was confident of overcoming it, eventually. And then suddenly he threw a party commemorating his engagement.

The next 41 days have been a labored attempt from her to appear normal. She has not been normal at all. She knew that most of the blame lies with her but that never seemed to help. She needed to get away from him. And tomorrow she would. She wondered if she will truly get away from him ever.

“Two more Margaritas, Please”, she ordered again hoping that a hangover would help her face what awaited her. She gulped them down quickly and joined her friends on the dance floor, she wished the idea remained “preposterous”, she wished she loved someone special rather than this simpleton.

Continued from http://intellectuallycaracass.blogspot.in/2013/04/him-1.html


41. She counted for the umpteenth time and deliberately avoided the other one. These counts have become almost second nature to her, for obvious reasons. They underline her insecurity, her impatience, her slowly waning hope and a slight approach of an impending doom. She felt a pang of frustration for falling into the same trap again, just yesterday she promised not to do it again. She hated these nights now, especially the weekend ones. Without the tiresome work sleep was a tough endeavor and the alternative was acutely excruciating. 

But she loved the night 41 days ago and why she shouldn’t. It was one of the most memorable events she would ever have in her life. She remembered being an apprehensive bride. She remembered peering into the mirror trying to convince her of the decision she took. She recollected all the arguments she made inside her tumultuous mind to justify her pursuit, her choice and her marriage. All these thoughts transferred her back to the day and she smiled. She thought of the many delightful incidents, the mishaps, her mischievous friends and her happy parents. She was almost able to trace the path her tears followed in the final moments of that day. She thought of her brother and his silly attempts to avoid watching her go. But most of all she remembered the long ride with him. 

She was sitting in the corner, teary eyed, peering out of the window to have those last glimpses of her crying mom, her sad dad and her weeping brother. Slowly they dissolved into the night and she felt all alone. Her eyes instinctively turned to him. She was searching for some reassurance from him, some gesture which would console her that she need not worry and that her life is going to be beautiful from that moment on.  But she was disappointed. Her ‘new’ life was not supposed to start like this. She looked at him intently hoping for him to turn and reveal his thoughts, but he was too occupied looking into the engulfing darkness. He was searching for something in the shadows and she was searching for something in him. Finally her patience paid off he looked at her and said,

“Don’t worry I am not that bad.”

Under the circumstances it was a good joke and she wanted to give a heartfelt smile, what kept her was the look in his eyes. She could see that they were sincere but there was no hint of the affection she was hoping to find in them. And those eyes have been exactly the same in these 41 days. She was reminded of the other count, 59, it was decreasing rapidly.

1:00 am.
She wanted to loiter with her thoughts but tomorrow was quite important, both professionally and personally, so she forced herself into a labored sleep. 

She got up still tired from the fragmented sleep she managed and searched for her mobile to find out the time. Carefully tucking it under her pillow, to avoid filling the darkened room with rays of light, she found out. 5:45am, almost. Her mother would have been proud and she was. Her transformation from a pampered kid to a responsible wife has been startling to say the least. Carefully she got up and looked at him. He was curled up as he normally was in his sleep. She smiled and that smile had a hint of pity for her, of all the people who chased her she had to fall for him. A moment of clarity followed and she continued with her pitiful smile, despite his indifference, it was clear to her that she actually loved him even if she was still not clear of the actual meaning of the word. She carefully covered him with his sheet and had that weird feeling that he was awake; she had that feeling the whole night. She knew something was peculiar last night for he was awfully quiet; her doubts were reaffirmed when he didn’t seem to enjoy his food, despite it being her best effort till date. He had given a more cheerful reception to her first burnt dish. A part of her wanted to confront him, seek answers she knew she deserved, but she refrained from letting her emotions get the better of her, at least not for another 58 days. She gave him one last languid, soulful look and went about her carefully orchestrated morning schedule. 

To be continued...

An attempt at something new, something different from my usual style. Please comment as you may see fit.

He let out a slight sigh as he moved to turn the alarm off. A smile crossed him, reminding him of all the alarms he ignored, and here he was intercepting one before it even begin its monotonous irritating chime. He had a long night. He could exactly recall all the hours, the time and his positions on the bed and the single thread of thought which subsumed his entire night. Entire night was such a small time period to put it in. He took a look across the bed and as usual she was already up, but he already knew that. The sounds emanating from the kitchen already announced that and moreover he was only pretending to be awake when she got up around an hour ago and covered him with his sheet. He never told her but he was really mystified by her graceful demeanor and that too despite his tantrums, a much too obvious feeling of indifference and her modern upbringing. In another universe, in another life he would have considered himself lucky to have her. He lingered on, trying to catch the last shreds of his night long wrestle, but finally decided to delay it for later. Out of habit he got up and ambled towards the door to pick up the newspaper. She sensed his movements and as a well synchronized part of her morning rituals, put a cup of tea on the dining table to accompany his newspaper. He pulled on a nervous smile as she crossed her path, still engrossed in his thoughts while mindlessly staring at the newspaper, she responded as she normally would. 

“Good Morning”, she said with a believable cheerfulness in her voice. The reply was equally formal and lackluster, but that never seemed to deter her. Again she got busy with her morning rituals. They both were too dispassionate and boring to be identified as a newly married couple. He kept going through the pages although he could make sense of some news at least. For the time being his dilemma was ignored and replaced by the frail political scenario in one of the states. He kept glancing at her in between, carefully timing them to avoid any eye contact, as today was one of those days when he couldn’t risk being exposed. He had no idea that he was not that good as acting as he thought he was.

The rest of the morning was mechanical. He has gone about his usual routine. Everything was already selected, arranged, all the decisions have been taken. He couldn’t believe the chaos the mornings used to be earlier, when he was just a single person trying to fight the Monday morning blues. Her choice was always in good taste and it was uncanny that how often he knew he would have ended up selecting the same things as she had. His admiration in her was renewed. He was getting too dependent on her and he wanted to avoid that. He dreaded the ticking clock he wanted to delay the inevitable but couldn’t. Breakfast was uneventful except for her. She looked lovely in her dress, which he knew was one of her favorite. He tried to move his glance elsewhere to avoid being caught staring at her and he failed. She looked too occupied with her morning crossword to notice his stares, but he didn’t want to risk it. He finished it in a hurry, which was ironical as he wanted the morning to drag as long as possible, for he didn’t think he was ready to face what awaited him. As he was about to leave she intercepted him.

“Aren’t we supposed to go together?”

He remembered she had told him about her meeting which was supposed to be in the same area as his office. He regretted forgetting it and shuddered at the effects it may entail.

“Oh sorry I forgot, you come I am waiting downstairs in the car.”, he said trying to sound apologetic and sincere.  And he left. He decided against using the elevator and trickled slowly along the stairs. From the 11^th floor it was going to be a long walk, it was going to be a long day and he didn’t knew how he wanted it to end.

To be continued.....